Aunt Jane has been pretty much deprived of the outside world by her immobility since January, with the exception of numerous trips to doctors and specialists. Aunt Jane enjoyed years of an immensely successful and fulfilling career in the cosmetics world and is in fact still employed, but on “Maternity Leave” from Natura Bisse´, an international upscale cosmetics company based out of Spain. Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Mathis & Judge Christina keep Aunt Jane entertained these days along with evenings of Wheel of Fortune, Deal or No Deal, 1 vs. 100, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars. I know it sounds sad and depressing to imagine your days filled with court TV & game shows, but she seems perfectly content to watch the television day in and day out. So content that she feels like enjoying it at the loudest possible decibel. So loud that I can hear it outside as I walk home from work. The words from the TV are so clear you would think that it was summer & 70 degrees with all the house windows wide open, but NO. It’s been a frigid winter and the windows and doors are kept shut as tight as can be.
Needless to say, Aunt Jane needs to get out and blow the stink off. It sounds incredibly selfish, but it is just such a process to get her loaded into the car. Any person would admit that if they were involved in the mission. It takes at least 2 people, preferably 3 to maneuver Aunt Jane out to the Explorer. See, her brain has convinced her legs that they don’t work. Despite the fact that she suffers from severe arthritis and is in bad need of a knee replacement, she does have very good muscle tone. But just cannot will those muscles to work for her.
Mom & Dad’s house isn’t exactly wheelchair friendly as evidenced by the dings, dents and paint chips found somewhere on virtually all doors, walls, furniture and cabinets. Our pet gates now serve as “Aunt Jane gates” to protect the small portion of house that the wheelchair’s driver has not yet wrecked havoc. Mom & Dad decide that my arrival home would be a good opportunity to team up and venture the big 1 mile down the road to good ole Meijer’s. Aunt Jane is excited to go to Meijers. I mean…Aunt Jane is excited to refill her candy jar!
We arrive at Meijer’s and Aunt Jane gets situated in the gigantic motorized shopping cart. Aunt Jane & I head left and mom & dad head the very opposite direction. Pretty sad that mom & dad get their only alone time at Meijer’s no less, while Emily chases Aunt Jane in the (should require driver’s training) motorized shopping cart. Aunt Jane placed Jergen’s lotion, Gold Bond body powder, Sure deodorant, Colgate tooth paste & 3 boxes of Ex-Lax in the basket and then I heard the dreaded…”I need to go ** *** ********”. Let me preface this with…I said a prayer that Aunt Jane would not have to use the bathroom while at Meijer’s. My prayer was not answered. What was I thinking? Aunt Jane used the bathroom at home 10 minutes ago; of course she would have to go again!
We sped down toward the restrooms which happen to be right in front of all of the check out aisles. I explain to Aunt Jane that I must go out to the parking lot and get her regular wheelchair because there is just no way that the motorized cart will fit in the bathroom.
Aunt Jane: Of course it will, it is handicap accessible.
Emily: Handicap accessible doesn’t exactly mean motorized shopping cart accessible.
Aunt Jane throws the thing in drive and crashes into the door frame as she trys to make the sharp turn. Crash. No problem, she’ll just throw it in reverse and try to remove the drinking fountain. Crash. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. Again & again & again. In the meantime,
Emily: Aunt Jane there is a sign on the door that says absolutely no merchandise in the bathroom and you have a basket full of goodies. I really think that I need to get your regular wheelchair out of the Explorer.
Emily: Aunt Jane there is a sign on the door that says absolutely no merchandise in the bathroom and you have a basket full of goodies. I really think that I need to get your regular wheelchair out of the Explorer.
Aunt Jane: (Appalled that I would acknowledge such a sign) I am NOT going to steal this stuff; I am just going to the bathroom.
Emily: I REALLY do not think we can fit in there.
Aunt Jane: Oh yes I can.
Emily: I REALLY do not think we can fit in there.
Aunt Jane: Oh yes I can.
Forward, crash, reverse, crash, forward, crash, reverse, crash, forward, crash, reverse, crash. Hey, there is no reason that Meijer’s shouldn’t have a metal bathroom door frame that resembles crow bar demolition. It’s only fair since mom & dad’s wood bathroom door frame looks like it was attacked by a wood chuck! With persistence and a lot of whiplash, Aunt Jane & the motorized cart made it thru the doorway.
Next, let’s drive it right into the handicap stall. Great idea! It is handicap ya know. Oh boy, I just know this is trouble. As Aunt Jane does her business, I am frantically saying another prayer that has “bathroom” as the subject. Please God, please help us escape the Meijer’s bathroom in a timely fashion without anymore crashes. Once again, the bathroom prayer was not answered. What was I thinking; the bathroom was obviously not built for a motorized shopping cart. Who would shop in the bathroom? I really don’t think Aunt Jane is in need of the bathroom vending machine products like tampons, condoms & chap stick. Aunt Jane finishes her business and is not so surprisingly stuck in the stall. She has no shame in throwing it in reverse to hit the sink and then throwing it in drive to hit the toilet full speed. She does this so many times that I lost count and almost begin to think I am on “Punk’d”. On one of her full speed forward moves she rams the toilet paper dispenser. The toilet paper becomes entwined in the basket of the cart. No need to stop and remove it. Let’s just throw it in reverse and unroll the whole damn toilet paper roll. Might as well have some fun toilet papering the Meijer’s bathroom on a Saturday night, looks like we will be here for a while.
I decide that I must intervene Aunt Jane’s driving skills. In attempt to reposition the motorized shopping cart so that it can exit the stall, I almost tip Aunt Jane right over. Another Meijer’s patron accompanying her young child to bathroom can’t help but notice our entrapment. She helps me angle the cart in such a way that it successfully glides thru the stall door. We won’t mention the fact that Aunt Jane can’t take direction and almost ran over the woman’s young child in the process. The child hid between the two pedestal sinks and we attempted to make the turn to get out the bathroom door. After moving the giant trash can, folding the diaper changing table up, and crashing into the door frame a million more times, we were miraculously out of the women's bathroom and heading straight to permanently removing the drinking fountain. Boy that drinking fountain was built to last.
We head down the aisles to pick up some more essentials, like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Golden Eggs, Hershey Miniatures, Cheese Nips, squeaky toys for the dogs & nail polish. We pass mom & dad in the aisle and I mouth the words…Y-O-U O-W-E M-E!
I know for those of you reading this who believe in Karma are just saying…ohhhhh Emily, wait till you get OLD! Well, I will have you know that all the fun I poke at Aunt Jane in my private thoughts takes nothing away from all of the love and admiration I have for her. I have so many fond memories of her ‘fabulousity’ that my joking just makes it easier to deal with the ‘unfabulousity’ that she is now enduring. I could only pray that I would be so lucky as Aunt Jane, to have loved ones like mom & dad that are there to look out for me, house me, chauffer me, feed me three 4-5 course meals a day and let me demolish their home! JUST kidding. I truly just hope that I am as LOVED as Aunt Jane when I am OLD.
Next, let’s drive it right into the handicap stall. Great idea! It is handicap ya know. Oh boy, I just know this is trouble. As Aunt Jane does her business, I am frantically saying another prayer that has “bathroom” as the subject. Please God, please help us escape the Meijer’s bathroom in a timely fashion without anymore crashes. Once again, the bathroom prayer was not answered. What was I thinking; the bathroom was obviously not built for a motorized shopping cart. Who would shop in the bathroom? I really don’t think Aunt Jane is in need of the bathroom vending machine products like tampons, condoms & chap stick. Aunt Jane finishes her business and is not so surprisingly stuck in the stall. She has no shame in throwing it in reverse to hit the sink and then throwing it in drive to hit the toilet full speed. She does this so many times that I lost count and almost begin to think I am on “Punk’d”. On one of her full speed forward moves she rams the toilet paper dispenser. The toilet paper becomes entwined in the basket of the cart. No need to stop and remove it. Let’s just throw it in reverse and unroll the whole damn toilet paper roll. Might as well have some fun toilet papering the Meijer’s bathroom on a Saturday night, looks like we will be here for a while.
I decide that I must intervene Aunt Jane’s driving skills. In attempt to reposition the motorized shopping cart so that it can exit the stall, I almost tip Aunt Jane right over. Another Meijer’s patron accompanying her young child to bathroom can’t help but notice our entrapment. She helps me angle the cart in such a way that it successfully glides thru the stall door. We won’t mention the fact that Aunt Jane can’t take direction and almost ran over the woman’s young child in the process. The child hid between the two pedestal sinks and we attempted to make the turn to get out the bathroom door. After moving the giant trash can, folding the diaper changing table up, and crashing into the door frame a million more times, we were miraculously out of the women's bathroom and heading straight to permanently removing the drinking fountain. Boy that drinking fountain was built to last.
We head down the aisles to pick up some more essentials, like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Golden Eggs, Hershey Miniatures, Cheese Nips, squeaky toys for the dogs & nail polish. We pass mom & dad in the aisle and I mouth the words…Y-O-U O-W-E M-E!
I know for those of you reading this who believe in Karma are just saying…ohhhhh Emily, wait till you get OLD! Well, I will have you know that all the fun I poke at Aunt Jane in my private thoughts takes nothing away from all of the love and admiration I have for her. I have so many fond memories of her ‘fabulousity’ that my joking just makes it easier to deal with the ‘unfabulousity’ that she is now enduring. I could only pray that I would be so lucky as Aunt Jane, to have loved ones like mom & dad that are there to look out for me, house me, chauffer me, feed me three 4-5 course meals a day and let me demolish their home! JUST kidding. I truly just hope that I am as LOVED as Aunt Jane when I am OLD.
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